Heavy at Midnight
by withoutshaking
Summary: Sara and Tegan struggle with their romantic attractions to each other. Includes incest/twincest/quincest. Not in ANY WAY a true story in relation to the band, Tegan and Sara.
1. Chapter 1: I'll Be Waiting For You

**CHAPTER ONE: I'll Be Waiting For You**

A heavy sigh escaped Tegan's lungs as she collapsed onto the off-white bed of tonight's hotel room. Her blackberry lit up as it hit the pillow next to her: 1 AM, one new message. Tegan put the phone to her ear.

"Hey, it's me," Tegan heard her sister say. "I just wanted to make sure you got back to the hotel okay 'cause nobody saw you leave."

There was a long pause and Tegan heard a muffled song and the soft roar of a drunken crowd in the background.

Sara sucked in a trembling breath before saying quietly, "Okay, well, text me, 'cause it's too noisy in here to hear my phone ring. G'night."

Tegan sighed again and rested her hand over her eyes. _Why, now, was she acting like she cared? She wouldn't even make eye contact with me when we were at the bar._

The band and crew had thrown a party for Al's birthday at a small karaoke joint in town. Tegan had slipped out the back door after the third round of drinks, hoping nobody would notice she was gone. And yet she walked the frigid 8 blocks back to the hotel, wishing the entire time that somebody had noticed. But not just somebody. _Sara. _She couldn't understand why, when she had gotten exactly what she had wanted, she felt a rock in her gut and a pang in her head.

Tegan shivered and pulled herself into a sitting position. She ran her fingers through her hair, slowly, trying to rub her headache away. She dragged her feet into the bathroom and started a hot shower. Staring at herself in the mirror, she said, "What the _fuck_, Tegan? Get a fucking grip on yourself." She glared at her reflection until she could no longer make out her teary eyes in the foggy mirror. She stepped into the shower and let the water scold her skin. Maybe it would burn away her feelings, too.

…

A soft rap at the hotel door jolted Tegan out of her daze. She turned off the water, stuck her head out of the shower, and waited. Nothing. She sighed and banged her head against the tile. _Stupid,_ she thought. _Of course she wouldn't come._

Then she heard the knock again, and this time a voice accompanied it. "Tegan! Are you in there?"

Tegan's heart fluttered as she grabbed the long white robe hanging by the shower and tried not to rush too quickly to the door. She opened it and a gust of cool air smacked her wet face.

"Oh, my god, Tegan! What are you doing?!" Sara said, having a difficult time controlling the tremble in her voice.

"What are you talking about? I was in the shower…"

"Tegan, for fuck's sake, it's been almost two hours, you weren't answering your phone and nobody knew where you went! And Shaun texted me twenty minutes ago saying you weren't answering your door!"

"Why are you so freaked out? Where else would I go?" Tegan asked. _She cares,_ Tegan told herself_._

"Because you're my _fucking_ sister and I thought you were hurt or lost or something! We're in a foreign fucking country and you're out walking around _alone _in the middle of the night!" Sara pushed past Tegan in the doorway and plopped herself onto the edge of the bed. She put her head in her hands and tried to take deep breaths. She couldn't forget that deep panic that had echoed through her body with each step in between the bar and the hotel.

Tegan closed the door slowly until she heard it click. She sat at the foot of the bed next to Sara.

Sara, with her head still in her hands, opened her eyes slowly, and caught sight of Tegan's bare ankles peeking out from under a sea of white. _How did I not realize that she is in a fucking robe?_ Sara scolded herself. She kept her head in her hands and sat staring at Tegan's beautiful ankles, until Tegan shifted and Sara quickly averted her eyes before she got caught.

"Sara, I'm sorry, okay?" Tegan said, feeling bad now. She slowly raised her hand to Sara's back and began rubbing small circles across her sweatshirt. "Don't be upset. I'm fine."

Sara closed her eyes and began to relax for a minute or so, concentrating only on the friction of her sister's warm hand on her covered back. Then she sat up and turned to look her twin in the eye. "Don't ever do that to me again," she whispered.

Tegan's eyes were immediately drawn into Sara's and then traveled slowly across her cheekbones to her parted, sad lips. She understood how Sara felt. It was the same feeling she had felt in the bar when Tegan was ignored over and over again by the one person from whom she had wanted attention. Anything would have satisfied her, even a mere glance across the table. But she got nothing.

Meanwhile, Sara's eyes flitted to Tegan's damp collarbone and traced the rim of her robe with her eyes. She had tried so hard earlier that night not to look where she wasn't supposed to look. But now, in the safety of this warm room, she felt herself slowly unraveling all over again.

"I am sorry, Sara," Tegan said, still gazing at her sister's lips. "But, it's not like I'm eight years old. I know how to find my way home." The twins' eyes locked. She wasn't about to let Sara get away with how she had behaved earlier. "I just don't get why you were so worried," Tegan lied.... _Or do I?_

Sara, embarrassed now, said quietly, "I was... I mean... I wasn't_ really _worried…." She glanced down at her hands, then back to Tegan's eyes.

"Uh, huh." Tegan leaned back, grinning nonchalantly.

"_Shaun_ was worried," Sara insisted. "He wasn't sure how many drinks you had had and…." She trailed off, tired of her own pathetic attempt at a lie.

Tegan smiled softly and pulled her legs onto the bed. "Well, then, tell _Shaun _that I say thank you for worrying about me. It was very sweet of him."

"I will," Sara replied, solemnly. _What were you thinking, Sara? Of course she would've just gone back to her hotel room. She's a big girl, she can take care of herself. She doesn't need you.__  
_  
"Oh," Tegan added, as though she had just remembered something.

Sara glanced up.

"Can you also give Shaun something for me?"

Sara nodded. "What?"

Tegan leaned into Sara.

The V of Tegan's robe's collar grew deeper and darker until Sara forced her eyes shut. Tegan pressed her arms around Sara's tense body. Sara felt Tegan's wet hair on her warm neck, their chests pressed against each other.

Tegan whispered, "Jesus, Sara, relax… you're so tense."

But when Tegan gripped tighter, Sara pulled away. She stopped when Tegan's face was in front of hers. They gazed at each other for a long moment. Tegan's left hand was still on Sara's waist and Sara's left hand rested lightly on Tegan's bare thigh, which had slipped out from in between the cover of the robe. She was still warm from the shower.

Tegan moved her hand to rest on Sara's.

Sara shivered and pulled her hand away nervously, as though suddenly remembering where she was and who she was with. "Sorry," she said.

Tegan sighed. _Why do I always have to go and ruin the moment? …That was a moment, right?_ "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"No, it's okay, really, Tegan. It was just a hug," Sara insisted. She stood up.

Tegan looked up at her sister. A long moment passed before she gained the courage to ask, "Is that really what you believe? That... that it was just a hug?"

Sara couldn't bear Tegan's sad eyes. But she couldn't bear the feelings inside of her even more. She needed to fight this. "Yes, Tegan. Jesus."

Defeated, Tegan looked away and said, "Fine, g'night."

Sara put her hand on Tegan's arm. She hated it when Tegan got defenseless. "No, come on, don't do that. I'm sorry, Tegan, okay? Just… get into bed and… and close your eyes and I'll… I'll turn the lights off for you, okay?" _Don't tempt yourself, Sara..._

Tegan had no other choice but to climb into bed as she watched her sister walk towards the door. _So much for that._

"Close your eyes!"

Tegan closed her eyes and when she opened them the lights were off and a shadowed body was moving towards her.

Sara pushed Tegan's wet hair off her face and bent over her sister.

Tegan felt her sister's cool lips on her forehead and, simultaneously, felt her entire body relax, comforted instantly. She kept her eyes wide open, afraid that she had slipped into a dream. Her pulse was pounding in her ears and it took all her strength not to grab Sara's face and pull it to hers.

"I'm right next door, and I'll see you in the morning, okay?" Sara whispered into Tegan's ear.

_Don't leave. Please don't leave. _Tegan wanted to feel Sara's breath on her face like this forever.

"Okay, Tegan?" Sara asked again, her lips brushing her sister's ear. "Bright and early, I'll be waiting for you."

Tegan trembled in the dark. She reached out from under the covers and took Sara's hand in hers. She put her sister's fingers to her lips, let her eyes drift shut, and whispered, "I'll be waiting for you, too."

Sara pressed her lips in front of Tegan's ear one last time. Then she turned, hesitantly, and slowly let herself out.

Tegan heard the door click into place and waited for the echo of footsteps down the hallway. But it was a long time before Sara's heart allowed her to leave her post outside Tegan's hotel room.


	2. Chapter 2: The Accident

**CHAPTER TWO: The Accident**

Sara had long ago taken her seat in the bus when the rest of the band and crew began to saunter in. She made eye contact and smiled when they entered but kept her headphones on and the volume up.

She had woken up from a few hours of restless sleep long before her alarm rang that morning. The small, foreign town was quiet and cold as she meandered alone just after daybreak, keeping her eye out for an open coffee shop. She watched her breath disappear into the city and contemplated how the silence of the early morning calmed her more than her bed had during the night. She had woken up countless times in the dark, body entangled in hot sheets, mind entangled in warm memories… the panic of losing her sister, then the relief when she finally let herself look into Tegan's eyes again… her hand on Tegan's warm, bare leg… her fingers through Tegan's wet hair, then on Tegan's lips…

The thought of a new day was refreshing, but Sara didn't feel refreshed. She thought with dread of the 13-hour bus ride she had ahead of her. A 13-hour bus ride with a bunch of men, and… Sara sucked the sharp, cold air into her lungs as she thought, _…and Tegan._

Now, she lay her head against the window trying to ignore the shifting hustle and bustle of male bodies on the bus. Her eyes found Tegan, juggling two bags and a muffin, walking outside, towards the bus, sunglasses already over her eyes, though the sun was still new. Sara closed her eyes and drifted…

She was jolted back to reality when the bus's engine revved to life, and was surprised to see Tegan sitting across the tiny table from her. Sara's eyes grazed over Tegan, who was either staring out the window or had her eyes closed and was sleeping behind her sunglasses. _Is everyone else sleeping, too?_ Sara wondered. She twisted her body to look down the aisle of the bus and spied Ted climbing into his bunk. She had drowsily heard a crowd of rowdy people in the hallway of the hotel late last night—or early this morning—but hadn't made the connection until now that it was her drunken band and crew just getting back from the party. She turned back around and hesitantly let her eyes trace the line of Tegan's jaw bone to her partly opened lips. Sara wondered if Tegan had heard them, too.

Tegan's head turned to face Sara, causing Sara to jump visibly in her seat. She stuttered, "Oh, my god." She paused her music and put her hand on her chest. "You scared me."

Tegan raised her eyebrows and grinned.

"Shut up, I thought you were asleep," Sara explained.

"I didn't say anything," Tegan said as she took off her sunglasses to rub her eyes. "And you were the one sleeping." She looked up and smiled softly at her sister, with what Sara thought were kind, teasing eyes.

Sara shuffled uncomfortably in her seat. "I didn't sleep very well last night," she admitted.

"I know what you mean." She pointed at her bloodshot eyes. Tegan had fallen into a deep sleep, just minutes after she was sure that Sara was safe in her room. But she had woken up breathless and exhausted from a traumatizing, and didn't sleep for the rest of the night.

Sara eyed her sister curiously, noting that her hair was flat on the right side, because she had slept on it wet. "You look like you're high," she said half-jokingly.

"Shut up," Tegan said. "Did you even look in a mirror this morning?"

_How did she know? _Sara thought. Ever since she had started having these weird thoughts about Tegan, she couldn't stand to look in the mirror, at pictures, or at anything that reminded her of how similar their faces were… that they were twins. Her face distorted into a soft grimace.

"Oh, lighten up. I was just kidding." _She looks beautiful, as always, _Tegan thought. Out loud, she said, "You look amazing compared to the boys this morning." She rolled her eyes jokingly.

Sara gave in and played along. "Is that even a compliment?" She questioned Tegan with raised eyebrows.

Tegan knew it was meant to be a rhetorical question but couldn't resist. She said, "Sara… you look great, okay? Just…" She shook her head. "Just take my word for it."

The twins gazed at each other for a moment before Sara smiled politely and said, "Thanks." She pushed her bangs aside, nervously. She knew she had posed it as a rhetorical question but had half-hoped that Tegan would respond in that manner, and tried to hide her embarrassment by fumbling her head phones out of her ears and onto the table.

"What were you listening to?" Tegan asked.

Sara looked at Tegan. "Why?"

"Just curious… were you listening to one of your songs? Is that why you're embarrassed?" Tegan chuckled.

"No…" Sara hesitated slightly before saying, "I was listening to The Magnetic Fields." Tegan put her hands out for the headphones, meaning she wanted to listen to the song. Sara gave her sister a look, but nonetheless restarted the song for her. She watched Tegan stare out the window as the music started.

_I don't want to get over you. I guess I could take a sleeping pill and sleep at will and not have to__  
__go through what I go through…_

Tegan glanced at Sara, who was still watching her. Sara looked down at the table, back at Tegan, then out the window. They were on a highway through nowhere, a tall cement wall and behind it, a forest of evergreens.  
_  
__I guess I should take Prozac, right, and just smile all night at somebody new… Somebody not too bright but sweet and kind who would try to get you off my mind…_

Tegan absentmindedly stretched her legs under the table and rested her feet on Sara's seat.

Sara glanced down at Tegan's red socks, up at her relaxed face, then back down at her feet, a mere inch away from Sara's left thigh. She slowly moved her left hand under the table and, finger by finger, touched Tegan's right foot.

Tegan closed her eyes and concentrated on the husky voice in her ears and the gentle fingers running lightly over her socked foot.  
_  
__I could leave this agony behind, which is just what I'd do if I wanted to, but I don't want to get over you… cause I don't want to get over love._

The second Sara saw her sister's eyes drift shut, she let out her breath and looked out the window, though she didn't really see anything. Her entire mind and body were concentrating on moving her fingers over her sister's socked foot to the ankle bone. She felt the shock of the soft skin beneath her fingertips, and with it, a moment of passion. Sara gripped her sister's ankle tightly, never wanting to let go. Then, after a tentative look at Tegan, who still had her head leaned back and her eyes closed, Sara began moving her hand, very slowly, up the leg of her sister's jeans.

Seconds later, the bus began to lurch, screech, and swerve across the three-lane highway. Tegan's eyes flew open, and her hands immediately reached across the table for Sara's.

Sara responded likewise and immediately grabbed a hold of her sister. They sat like that for what seemed like a very long minute. The bus finally screeched to a halt, and the twins sat, eyes locked, hand in hand, Tegan's thumbs gently stroking the backs of Sara's hands.


	3. Chapter 3: What Just Happened?

Hey guys! So I'm obviously new to this website and am still trying to figure out some things, but I just wanted to say hello. I started writing this story last October and posted it on the livejournal community, tnsquincest (which you guys should all check out). The feedback from the members kept me writing, and I cranked four chapters out. I haven't written since, but I will post these chapter here and hope for the feedback it'll take to keep me writing. I'm a full-time student with an internship, so I don't have a lot of time on my hands. But after I post chapter 4, I will try my best to begin working on a fifth chapter. I know I don't want to leave the story where it is… I have some ideas of where I want to go with it, I just haven't sat down and forced myself to write it yet.

Anyway, thanks so much to the few people who have written reviews or added my story. I love feedback, positive or negative… constructive criticism is key to improving writing. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it's my favorite!

**CHAPTER THREE: What Just Happened?**

Sara was acutely aware of Tegan's fingers stroking the back of her hand when voices began to call out from the bunks in the back of the bus. She ignored the voices.

"Oh, my god!" she said in a half-chuckle, half-horror. "What just happened?!"

"I don't know," her sister said. They looked at each other, Tegan's thumbs still rubbing small, gentle circles on the backs of Sara's hands. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm a little, um, confused, but… I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

_Tell her, _Sara prompted herself. But she couldn't. "Yeah, I'm okay," she said, looking and their entwined fingers, then back up to Tegan's eyes.

Tegan felt her heart flutter. She squeezed her sister's hands before pulling away and standing up. "We better check on the boys."

Sara sat frozen, feeling her pulse in her fingertips. _What the fuck just happened?_

…

Sara sat on the curb watching her breath disappear into the cold, bright sky. She rubbed her arms, trying to warm herself with the friction of her own hands. They had gotten the bus off the freeway safely and were currently parked in a market's deserted parking lot, in a quiet town. The chaos inside the bus had been making Sara twitch with anxiety, so she had let herself escape for a few minutes.

"Sara!" She turned to see her sister descending the two steps from the bus. Tegan jogged toward her. "What're you doing? It's freezing out here!"

"I think it's nice."

Tegan noted her sister's arms wrapped around herself. "Here," Tegan offered, slipping her arms out of her black coat.

"Tegan, I'm fine, really."

"Don't be ridiculous, Sara. You're shivering."

Sara let Tegan rest her jacket over her shoulders. "I don't see how that helps any cause now you're gunna be cold… But, thanks."

"No problem. Besides, I like you in my clothes." Tegan grinned down at her sister.

Sara thought she saw her sister wink but was shocked out of the moment by the vibration of her blackberry in her front pocket.

"Oh, that's probably mom." Tegan explained, "I just got off the phone with her. I was supposed to tell you to call her."

Sara groaned before clicking Send on her phone. "Hey, mum… Yes, mum, I'm fine… It _was_ scary, but—… Well I'm sure she embellished a bit, as always…"

Tegan crouched beside her sister and, leaning forward into the phone, protested. "I did not! You should've seen the look on Sara's face, she was terrified!" She insisted with a playful giggle.

Sara would have protested but was too distracted by Tegan's cheek, brushed against her own, and her giggly breath on her face.

_Sara? _Her mom's voice sounded miles away in the small speaker of the phone.

Tegan nudged her sister's shoulder and gave her a questioning look.

"Sorry, mum." Sara listened to her mom talk for a few minutes. "Yeah, I'll let you know how the show goes."

Tegan scoffed, "If we ever get there."

"Love you too. Bye, mum." Sara hung up the phone.

The twins sat huddled together for a minute before Tegan said, "Let's go for a walk." She stood up, brushing off her jeans.

Sara didn't budge.

"Come _on_, Sara. The boys are all going back to sleep and Al said they won't be able to get anybody out here for like an hour." When Sara sat staring at her sister, Tegan held her hands out and begged, "_Pleeeeaseee?_"

_Of course_, Sara thought to herself, _she has to go and play the cute card_. Tegan knew that she couldn't resist it. Sara finally complied, letting her sister pull her into a standing position. She tried to stop the momentum of the pull but lost her balance and fell toward Tegan. Because their hands were still clasped together, Tegan caught her sister in her steady arms and their bodies momentarily pressed together.

Tegan let Sara gently inch away from her as she said, "I'm gunna go get another jacket."

Sara watched her skip toward the bus, then turned and began walking slowly down the deserted road. She zipped up the jacket and stuck her hands in the pockets, breathing in the scent of her sister. It wasn't rare that she wore Tegan's clothes, but it was completely different when she stripped it off her back _for _Sara. _It's like she's giving me her own body heat_, Sara told herself. She couldn't help but feel loved.

Sara didn't turn around when she heard the bus door slam shut and Tegan's feet shuffling in her direction, but she did notice a slight twist of excitement in her stomach.

When she finally caught up with her, Tegan threw her left arm nonchalantly around her sister's shoulders. "Oh, baby sister, I'm so glad we're okay."

Sara chuckled, "Me, too."

Tegan dropped her arm as the twins turned a corner and continued to walk side by side. To their left was a gas station and to their right was a big park with mostly just under-watered grass. The joyful cry of a child on the swing set echoed in the air.

"Wanna hear something really creepy?" Tegan asked.

"Not really, but I have a feeling you're gunna tell me anyway."

Tegan grinned. "Last night I dreamt that the bus crashed into the ocean."

"No you didn't" Sara said, eyeing her sister.

Tegan's eyes widened, "I did, too!" She shoved her shoulder into her sister's, playfully.

"Okay, okay," Sara gave in. "You're like, psychic or something."

Tegan chuckled, "I know, right?"

"Do you think I'll start seeing the future in my dreams now, too?" Sara made the twin joke.

"Probably."

"Creepy."

"Well, that wasn't really the creepy part of it…" Tegan took a deep breath. "In my dream, it was just you and I in the bus. And I was able to climb out of the bus through one of the windows after we began to sink in the water. But after I slipped through, a wave of the ocean pushed the window closed. We couldn't open it, and you were still inside. And you were staring at me through the window with this wide-eyed, terrified look on your face. And the bus sank and I had to start swimming up for air. But the surface never came, and I just kept swimming and swimming, growing more tired with each stroke. And when I realized that I'd never reach the surface, I woke up."

Tegan finished her story abruptly and a little out of breath. She glanced at Sara, who was staring straight ahead, listening closely.

"I was all sweaty and gasping for air. It was like, because I couldn't save you from the bus, I had to drown, too… Like I couldn't breathe unless you could, too." She took a deep breath, "I couldn't breathe without you."

The twins walked in silence. Their boots crushed gravel, now, as they strolled into a neighborhood of small houses.

"So, that's why I couldn't sleep last night. I kept replaying the dream over and over in my mind… especially that moment when you were in the bus staring at me from the other side of the window, and I decided that it would be impossible to save you… I just couldn't believe that I would even think for a moment that I could live without you."

Again, the quiet crush of the gravel beneath their feet, their cool breath disappearing into the air before them, sprinklers watering a brown-green lawn to their right, an old man walking slowly to his mail box at the end of the short driveway…

"Sara, are you okay?" Tegan stopped walking. "You've been so dreamy and in your mind for days now."

Sara stopped, too, just ahead of her sister, and turned around so they were facing each other. She sighed. "I'm just, trying to figure some things out."

"K, I'm gunna take a big leap here."

"K-kay…" Sara stammered.

"Would all this have anything to do with the signals you've been sending me? Or is that just me?" Tegan smiled.

Sara's jaw dropped. "Signals _I'm _sending _you_?! You have _got _to be fucking kidding me." She spun around and continued walking.

But Tegan could tell she wasn't really mad. She jumped forward, alongside her sister. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I told you it was a leap!"

"If I'm sending you signals it's only because _you _sent them first and _I _was just responding."

Tegan chuckled. "So you're admitting that you've been sending me signals?" She looked at her sister.

Sara returned the look. "I don't know, Tegan." She sighed. "Why are we even talking about this? It's not like it means anything. And if it does, we can't do anything about it."

_Way to be sensitive, Sara_, Tegan thought. "Why not?"

"I don't know, Tegan. We just can't." Sara was trying so hard not to block her sister out, but she didn't know what else to do. Telling the truth terrified her. Yet at the same time, she knew that Tegan already knew how she was feeling… one of the pros _and _cons of having a twin.

Tegan could tell that her sister was getting frustrated, but she was too hurt and too full of desire to let her get away that easily. She stopped walking, and when Sara didn't stop, Tegan grabbed her arm and spun her around.

Sara's eyes filled with anger first, then desire. She tried to stop the tears but they came anyway.

"Sara, stop. Don't cry. Just… talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

"Can you fucking hear yourself? You're telling me you can't _breathe_ without me." Sara swallowed a sob.

"So what? We're twins, we've always been that way."

"You know damn well that that's not what we're talking about and if you're gunna make jokes, I'm leaving." Sara huffed and tried to keep walking, but Tegan still had a firm grip on her arm.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." Tegan let her sister's arm go but Sara didn't move. A moment passed… "What are you so afraid of, Sara? It's just me…"

"What am I afraid of?" Sara blew out a fast breath and looked up to the sky, begging the clouds for strength. "I'm afraid…" She tried to blink back tears. "I'm afraid because I can't… I can't breathe without you, either." She slowly lowered her head and let the tears roll down her cheeks. Before she knew it, Tegan's hands were there, wiping away her tears.

Tegan stepped closer, leaving her hands cupping Sara's jawbone, brushing the tears off her sister's cheeks with her thumbs. Sara froze for a second, but Tegan sensed it and whispered, "It's okay, Sara. It's just me…" She let her left hand fall to Sara's arm and simultaneously brushed her sister's bangs off her forehead with her right hand, pushing them behind her ear. She always thought Sara looked most beautiful when she wasn't hiding behind her hair. Sara's eyes followed Tegan's the entire time, but she closed them as Tegan's hand slid down her ear and tugged sweetly on her earlobe.

Sara opened her eyes again, letting out a deep breath, and linked her fingers through the belt loops on Tegan's jeans, pulling her closer, as Tegan, her hand resting again on Sara's jaw bone, let her sister pull her in. The momentum of the pull was just enough so that their lips lightly brushed. Sara trembled and let out a shaky breath, weakened from the tears and the emotion of the moment. _What is happening? _But the moment had just begun. Tegan was not about to let Sara change her mind.

She brushed her thumb across Sara's bottom lip before slipping her hand behind her sister's head and guiding her lips to her own. Sara's neck tensed at first, resisting the pull, but Tegan's lips begged and Sara gave into the passionate, deep kiss. Tegan was surprised to feel Sara's soft tongue rolling in between her lips. Tegan reveled in the taste of Sara's salty tears now mixing with her sweet saliva. Tegan nibbled at Sara's bottom lip, wanting more, needing more.

Sara gulped for air and found that a sob came with it.

Tegan pulled back quickly, pushing her sister's bangs off her face again.

Sara looked up at her sister, just as surprised as she was.

"Sara, what's wrong?" The twins pressed their foreheads together, in sync as ever. Tegan ran her hands down Sara's arms and their hands fell into each other's.

"I-I don't know… I've just… I've wanted this…" She pulled away, took a deep breath from the sky and tried not to tremble as she admitted, "_so _much…" She smiled and shook her head, hardly believing herself. She looked back down into her sister's eyes and added, "…for so long."

Tegan couldn't help but smile. "Me too, Sara… me, too…"

Sara leaned in for another kiss, more sure of herself this time. The kiss was longer, more passionate. Tegan slipped her arms around Sara's waist and pulled her closer. Sara's hand inched up Tegan's torso and slid down the zipper on Tegan's jacket. Her hand crept inside the top of Tegan's sweater and she pressed her palm against her sister's warm, bare chest. Sara felt her sister's heart beating against her cool fingers and she kissed Tegan to the rhythm of their pulses beating together, becoming one.


	4. Chapter 4: I Promise

**CHAPTER IV:**

_Sara leaned in for another kiss, more sure of herself this time. The kiss was longer, more passionate. Tegan slipped her arms around Sara's waist and pulled her closer. Sara's hand inched up Tegan's torso and slid down the zipper on Tegan's jacket. Her hand crept inside the top of Tegan's sweater and she pressed her palm against her sister's warm, bare chest. Sara felt her sister's heart beating against her cool fingers and she kissed Tegan to the rhythm of their pulses beating together, becoming one._

After a long moment, Sara slipped her hand up, past Tegan's collarbone and around the back of her neck, then across to her shoulder and into a needy embrace. She pulled her lips away from Tegan's and buried her face against her sister's neck, gripping her tightly.

Tegan welcomed the pull. "Shhh…." Sara's grip was so fierce, so intense. Tegan didn't know what else to say. So she just closed her eyes and hugged her back, hoping that Sara felt as safe as she did, and wishing that they could always be as close as they were in that moment.

The twins fell apart as a vibration sounded. Tegan watched Sara struggle to tug her phone from the front pocket of her jeans.

"Yeah," Sara said, breathless. "Yeah, I'm with her." She locked eyes with her sister.

Tegan smiled and rolled her eyes as she turned away, letting out a long, deep breath. The cold air in her lungs felt unreal. The whole day felt unreal. They could have been in a dream, for all she knew. The crazy bus accident, this tiny street along an unrealistically green park, the shivers in her core like the vibration of Sara's phone, the kisses on the shaded sidewalk… She rubbed her eyes, pushing her hands across her face and through her hair. She tried to clear her mind.

"K, thanks. Yeah, ten minutes." Sara hung up the phone and looked at it in her hands, afraid to look up.

Tegan stuffed her hands into her pockets. "Ted?" she prompted.

"Shaun," Sara replied, pushing her phone back into her jeans.

Tegan nodded, watching her sister.

Sara bit her lip and turned her body in the direction from which they came. "We should probably start heading back."

…..

The slow crunch of gravel filled the air once again as the twins ambled, side by side.

Tegan could feel her sister's nerves, so she tried not to let her own show when she couldn't stand the silence any longer. "So… what do we do now?" A breathy chuckle escaped her lungs.

Sara focused her sight on a blond boy swinging on the other side of the park. "What do you mean?" She knew exactly what she meant.

"Well…" Tegan kicked a pebble and watched it bounce into the street. "I mean… we probably shouldn't really tell anybody…" She glanced at Sara. "…right?"

Sara's stroll slowed almost to a standstill as she watched the blond boy's sister rush to give him a push when his swing slowed. "Yeah…" Sara closed her eyes. The cold air stung her lungs and her heart felt strained. "…I guess we shouldn't." It hurt to breathe.

"Hey." She faced her sister. "Look at me."

Sara's eyes slowly found Tegan's.

"It's gunna be okay."

"Yeah…. I know." She admitted, slipping her hand into Tegan's.

Tegan's heart jumped at the response. They started walking again.

"It's just that we just made life so much harder for ourselves, you know? And I already feel so, so stuck." Sara stammered. "I just… I don't know how we're going to do it."

Their fingers played with each other, gently.

"We can do it though, Sara. I know we can… _You _know we can… And you know what?"

"Hmm?"

"When you think we can't do it… think of this walk."

Sara nodded slightly.

"You think of this walk, when your swing gets too low… the fresh air and the bus accident and the kids in the park… and before you know it I will be behind you, pushing you so high into the blue that you won't even be able to see this miserable world."

Sara chuckled sweetly and pushed her hair behind her ear. She loved it when Tegan spoke in her dramatic voice.

"And as long as you keep smiling like that, I'll be okay."

Sara smiled at her sister. "Thanks, Tegan."

They reached the end of the block and Tegan stopped. She reached up around Sara's shoulders and pulled her into another fierce hug before they had to act like nothing had happened.

"Don't forget it, okay?" Tegan whispered.

"I promise."

Tegan pressed her lips on her sister's neck, just under her ear, as they let go of each other. The twins shared a glance and a deep breath before they turned the corner and headed toward the bus.

…..

When they got back to the bus, Sara went straight to her bunk and Tegan changed into sweats before curling into a ball in her seat at the table. She put Sara's headphones on, which were still on the table from before the accident, and pressed play. She let the music fill her ears and the memory fill her heart

_I don't want to get over you…_


	5. Chapter 5: Heat

**Hey guys! Sorry that Chapter 4 was so short and uneventful; it was mostly just a transition to this Chapter.**

**So someone mentioned that my story's been getting a tad cheesy, so I tried to spice it up with some action this chapter! I've been feeling awfully shy about the intimate part of this story/relationship, BUT I'm trying my best to be realistic without being raunchy, and any tips would be great! (I've been writing during my down time at work, so it definitely spices up my day, haha.) If you have any suggestions or comments, please leave a review, I love reading them. I really hope you enjoy this chapter because I definitely had a lot of fun writing it (It's my favorite so far)! Thanks for reading, and have a great weekend!**

**CHAPTER FIVE: Heat**

The bus arrived at the venue with just enough time for the band and crew to rush through set-up and soundcheck and begin the show only a few minutes behind schedules. But in order to make that happen, everything needed to run smoothly and everyone needed to be on time.

Tegan snuck out of a back door with a hoodie on, hoping once again that nobody would notice her absence for a few minutes. She needed to clear her mind before the show. She ordered a small cup of coffee a few blocks from the venue and was bombarded by a group of fans outside the shop. She giggled at their accents, politely took some pictures, and signed a CD before bidding them farewell and power-walking back to the venue.

When she pushed open the heavy door, a warm, frantic gust of air threatened to suffocate her. She walked past Johnny and he turned to her, grinning, "Sara's pissed."

Tegan kept walking until she found Sara and the tour manager in a small room backstage. Sara's eyes widened when she saw the door open beyond Kevin's shoulders, but let him finish talking before she said anything. Tegan hung to the wall, pulling out her phone to check the time. Their conversation ended and Kevin said, "Tegan, soundcheck in five" as he brushed past her, out the door.

The twins made eye contact. "_Now _you check the time? You were supposed to soundcheck half an hour ago, Tegan."

"Did you go?"

"Yeah, but everyone was waiting for you. You seriously need to start answering your phone when we call. You can't just keep disappear like that." Sara let out an annoyed sigh.

"Sorry, I'll just head over there right now, then." Tegan began to turn but stopped abruptly when she remembered what she had in her hand. She shoved the steaming cup of coffee toward her sister. "Here. Take it."

Sara stared into the dark liquid, then back up to sad, hazel eyes. "Is this why you were late? You know there's coffee at every venue…"

Tegan glanced over her sister's shoulders at the fold-up table pushed against the wall, covered in assorted "delicacies" for the band of the night. She sighed. "I know, I just… we both know it's gunna be a rough night and I thought a double shot of expresso—"

"—_es_presso" Sara grinned.

"Expresso," Tegan prompted her sister one more time. She adored Sara's slight lisp.

Sara punched her sister's arm, "Punk."

"Ow!" Tegan grabbed her arm dramatically, feeling herself relax.

Sara raised her eyebrows and laughed, like she does when she's genuinely amused. She grabbed the cup and Tegan watched her idle over to the table.

"Anyway, I thought the coffee would cheer you up, but I guess all you needed was to punch me." Tegan stuffed her hands in the front pockets of her jeans and leaned back, pushing the door shut.

Sara took the lid off the cup and reached for the sugar.

Tegan's eyes sunk into the bare skin that momentarily peeked out from in between her sister's jeans and oversized sweater. How she longed to touch her pale skin.

"Well, either way, thanks for cheering me up," Sara said, as she poured the sugar and clicked the lid into place. Of course, they both knew it wasn't the coffee that did the "cheering up.") She turned toward Tegan and leaned against the table, crossing her ankles. The sisters gazed at each other from across the tiny room. "So…" Sara lifted the coffee to her lips and blew slowly across the surface, still in eye contact with her sister. "…who's gunna cheer _you _up?"

Tegan eyed her sister and said, "You." Her core began to shiver with excitement as she slipped her hand behind her and pressed the lock into the doorknob.

Sara feigned exasperation, putting her hand on her chest, "Who, _me?_"

Tegan chuckled and pushed herself off from the closed (and slyly locked) door. She took slow steps across the room as she said, "Weeellll… I guess I could call someone else and pay them to make me feel better… But since you're already here…" She let her voice trail off as she approached her sister.

Sara responded mischievously, "Who said I won't make you pay?" She put her coffee down.

Tegan had reached her sister and cornered her against the table. The twins' eyes were deep into each other's as they pressed their bodies together, almost frantically. They played with each other, faces diving around each other, breathing heat onto pale skin, daring the other to give in first. In a moment of bravery, Tegan grabbed her sister and eased Sara onto the table. Tegan pushed herself in between her sister's thighs and wrapped her hands around her waist.

Sara grinned almost bashfully down at her sister as she trailed her fingers along the back of Tegan's neck and through her disheveled curly-Q's. Tegan closed her eyes and felt her sister's soft touch sending pulses to other parts of her body.

"So…" Tegan wondered, desperately. "What're you gunna charge me?"

Sara didn't hesitate. She took the bait furiously and her lips collided with Tegan's. She didn't know what, but there was something about this kiss that seemed so much more real than the one earlier in the day, on that quiet street by the small park, in the cold.

Their tongues met shyly at first, then met like magnets, unable to part for more than one painful second. Sara felt herself melting into the heat of her sister's kiss. She leaned back onto her palms, exposing her neck for her sister to ravish. Tegan placed small, sweet kisses along her sister's jaw line, breathed shakily across Sara's ear, and began to run her tongue down the curve of her neck. Sara quivered at the feel of her sister's smooth, damp lips pressing hard at the base of her neck, just above her collarbone. Tegan felt the quiver, and sunk her teeth into the hot spot. She sucked fiercely before slipping her tongue down, across Sara's collarbone. She was making her way back up Sara's neck when her sister leaned forward again, grabbing Tegan's face in her hands and forcing their lips back to each other.

Tegan's body jolted with excitement. She breathed in the scent of her sister so close to her. She tasted her saliva, so sweet and warm, an oddly comforting taste. But she wanted to touch. She wanted to touch her sister so badly. So, slowly and shakily, Tegan moved her right hand to Sara's back, and slipped her fingers one by one, up and underneath Sara's sweater. The heat of her body pulled Tegan in, and Tegan pulled back at her skin. So soft and so powerful, exactly how Sara had always been. She could get Tegan to do whatever the hell she wanted. But Tegan was determined to be in control this time. Her hands were finding their way to her sister's bra when Sara bit frantically on Tegan's lower lip. Tegan flinched in pain, and scratched in desire. Her nails dug into Sara's back, and Sara pushed herself so hard against Tegan's body she thought she was going to explode. Tegan felt Sara wrap her legs around Tegan's and hook her ankles together, pulling them as close as possible, trapping Tegan in this moment of longing.

Tegan was just about to unsnap Sara's bra when a pounding on the door startled them apart. Tegan stumbled backwards abruptly, a reflexive move, but Sara held her ankles tight together in nerves. Tegan tripped over Sara's legs and fells awkwardly to the side on her hands and knees.

Sara's eyes widened with concern at first, but she couldn't help breaking into a smile at the sight of her sister splayed out awkwardly on the hard floor.

"What the fuck, Sara?! Fuck!" Tegan groaned, sincerely frustrated but trying too hard not to smile. She inevitably let go of a soft chuckle as she sighed in frustration.

A deep voice sounded through the metal door, "Are you girls okay in there? We seriously need to get you on soundcheck, Tegan. We're over half an hour behind, now."

"Yeah, we're fine," Sara yelled. "Tegan will be there in a minute, she just had a little spill," Sara let some laughter come through in her voice. She hopped off the table, pulled Tegan into a standing position, and helped her brush the imaginary dust off the back of her jeans.

Tegan leaned forward and planted a hard, wet kiss on Sara's lips. She held her sister's face in her hands, locked eyes, and said, "I'll see you on stage."

Tegan turned toward the door and Sara landed one last spank on Tegan's jeans. Tegan threw a playful wink over her shoulder as she unlocked the door and rushed to the stage. Despite the fact that she had totally embarrassed herself by falling like a fool from a standing position, _and _by being ridiculously late for soundcheck, she was fucking glowing. And she knew it.

Sara watched the door swing shut again. "Holy _fuck_," she whispered to herself. _That was fucking hot_, she added in her head. She ran her fingers through her bangs and absentmindedly turned in a full circle before letting herself fall back onto the table. She was left feeling flustered by the heat of the pulse in between her legs, and the beat of her heart pounding through her chest. She picked up the now almost lukewarm coffee and sighed to herself, _It _is_ gunna be a rough night._


	6. Chapter 6: The Loopy Delirium

**A/N: Hi everybody! I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get this story rolling again, but I promise Chapter 7 will be up within the next couple of days (I already have most of it written).**

**Thanks also for the reviews and favorites! They are what give me the motivation to keep writing, so thank you so much!**

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**CHAPTER 6: The Loopy Delirium**

The show that night was overwhelmingly rambunctious. Tegan took occasional breaks from the semi-fresh set-list to converse with the audience, but she didn't ramble about long stories from the past, and no banter went out of control.

Sara was her usual, quiet self, hiding behind her thick bangs and an electric guitar much too large for her petite frame. She nodded when Tegan looked at her for approval and put in an occasional word or two, but mostly she just listened and smiled at the way the audience adored her sister. When she closed her eyes to sing, she pictured Tegan on the other side of the stage, the soft blue lights highlighting her features ever so perfectly. She imagined the way she pushed her lips close to the mic, and the way her body forced itself forward and backward with the beat of the bass. Along with this image of her sister, she let the rhythm of the music and the buzz of the audience seep into her body, filling her from head to toe with an overwhelming sensation of loving, and being loved. When combined with the high she was still on from the encounter backstage, what Sara felt was so unreal she found herself holding back tears for the better part of the concert. Before she knew it, the show was over and she was standing next to her sister, bowing and waving out to a sea of slightly drunken, overjoyed faces. She let out a sigh of proud relief as she followed her sister off the stage and into the home stretch of the tour.

The overwhelming feeling of love lingered in the back of Sara's mind as the end of the tour drew near. Tegan felt it also, feeding effortlessly off of her sister's calm energy. The rest of the band and crew were tired and worn-out, and noticed only subtle changes in the twins' behavior. The exhaustion of being on the road for two months straight mixed dangerously with the sheer excitement of the love affair that was growing more intense behind closed doors. Tegan's emotions were constantly up and down, and Sara was quieter than ever, but seemed to giggle at everything Tegan said. Ted called it the loopy delirium, the case that everybody always seemed to catch near the end of a successful tour. Al said it was the spirit of Christmas in disguise. Johnny called it insanity. Whatever it was, everybody knew it had never been this extreme before. But only Tegan and Sara knew why.

* * *

Americanized Christmas jingles rang through the bright, foreign airport. It was a week and a half until Christmas and the tour had officially ended two nights ago. They had used the day in between then and now to get to the airport via tour bus. Sara was flying with Tegan to Vancouver for the holidays, but had plans in Montreal for New Year's. Their seats were three rows behind the rest of the crews', with the seat next to Tegan's empty.

Tegan fell asleep fairly quickly with her head tilted back and her mouth open. Sara spread the wool airplane blanket across their laps and took her sister's warm, limp hand underneath the cover. She pulled her hoodie over her unwashed hair and leaned the side of her forehead against the cloudy window. She gazed down at the shrinking shapes below her and wondered what the next few weeks of family festivities would bring to her and Tegan, and their dangerously exciting new love.

Tegan slept for six hours straight before waking up to use the restroom. Sara spent the majority of those hours staring out the window, listening to This American Life and occasionally pausing it to read a few pages from her book.

During their lay-over in Toronto, Tegan caught her sister watching her as she ambled back up the aisle from the restroom. She plopped back into her seat, sighing, "Ahhh…"

Sara laughed. "Feel better?"

"Hell yes. I have a kink in my neck, though. Fucking turbulence," she said, rolling her head in a slow circle.

Sara held her book to Tegan.

"What?"

"Just hold it," Sara said, as Tegan took the book. "Turn around." She wiggled her fingers in her sister's face.

Tegan shifted to her side, pulled her hair to one side and closed her eyes. She felt her sister's warm fingertips inch up her neck. She couldn't believe she had finally gotten her. She was fucking touching her. Even after all those backstage make-out sessions and the late nights alone in the front of the bus, Tegan still couldn't help but shiver at her sister's touch. A good shiver, though—at least, she thought it was.

Sara rubbed her fingers into Tegan's neck and shoulders—gently at first, then progressively harder until she felt her sister's muscles tense and then ease under the pressure. She leaned forward and pushed her cheek softly against her sister's neck. "Relax," she whispered in Tegan's ear. As she was breathing in the sweet scent of her sister's skin, she slowly ran her hands from Tegan's shoulders, down her back, counting each rib in her mind (_two… four… six… eight…_). Then she opened her eyes, planted her lips on her sister's neck, and squeezed her just below the ribs in her ticklish spot.

Tegan squealed and jerked away from her sister. Sara leaned into the window, ducking below her hands, incredibly embarrassed but even more delighted. "Shhh… Tegan, geez." Sara said, eyeing the people across the aisle from them.

Tegan reached over and squeezed Sara above the knee, causing Sara to squirm and stifle yells until she was forced to give up. "Okay, okay, Tegan! I'm sorry!"

Tegan let Sara pull her hand off of her thigh. Sara was still chuckling and pushing her hair off her face when Tegan handed her book back to her. "Read to me."

Sara hesitated.

"Please?" Tegan nuzzled her face into her sister's shoulder (she knew Sara wouldn't be able to resist the request, once she did that), and let herself drift slowly back into slumber to the rhythmic drone of Sara's familiar whisper.

Sara put the book down not too long after she felt Tegan's breathing shift into deep regularity. She rested her head on Tegan's and closed her eyes, wondering if she had ever felt this content before in her life, and if she would feel it again anytime soon.

When she woke up, they had landed in Vancouver.

* * *

The drive from the airport wasn't long. Tegan sat in the front with their mom, Sara in the back with half the luggage. Tegan attempted to answer her mom's questions enthusiastically, without leaving any loopholes. She spoke of vague experiences and tried to seem happy, but found herself struggling with the fact that most of her memories from this tour involved her and Sara locked in a room somewhere, either deep in conversation or deep in… something else (even though they had been avoiding each other like the plague only a week earlier). Sara leaned her head against a suitcase on the seat next to her and tried unsuccessfully not to worry as she listened to her sister tell half-truths to their social worker mother.

They stopped at their mom's house; she wanted to show them the color she had painted the den. Why she couldn't wait until tomorrow, Sara didn't know. She followed her mom and Tegan into the house but found herself veering in the opposite direction, down the hallway. She trailed her fingers along black and white framed photos of her and Tegan riding matching bikes and hugging each other in swimsuits in the backyard. Even though it wasn't the house they grew up in, she was still always bombarded with a sense of comforting nostalgia whenever she walked down this hallway. The memories made it feel like home.

* * *

Sara stirred at the blurry, distant echo of her name bouncing down the hallway and into the room.

A minute later, Tegan found her sister in the living room, passed out on her stomach, hugging a couch pillow to her face. She kneeled beside the couch and brushed her hand across her sister's cheek, pushing her hair off her face. Sara breathed out heavily, not quite awake. Tegan couldn't help but smile at her baby sister. She listened for the distant clinking of utensils in the kitchen before leaning in and gently kissing her sister's cold nose.

Sara squinted through her eyelashes. "Tegan," she whispered, embarrassed, before turning away and burying her head into the crook of her arm, underneath the pillow.

"What, you sleepy head?"

"Me, sleepy head? You slept the entire flight." The sentence was drowsy and muffled.

"Okay, forgive, Ms. _Cranky_, but we were only supposed to be here a few minutes and now mum's insisting she make tea for me and that I let you sleep. And I cannot stand—"

The door creaked open as their mom stepped in. Tegan, startled, pulled her arm quickly off the couch where it was resting, and sat awkwardly on the floor, facing her mom.

"Can't stand what?"

"What?" Tegan tried to play dumb. "Oh… Sara's morning breath…" She chuckled hesitantly.

Sara rolled over and smiled up at her mom. "Hi, mum."

"Hi, Sara," she mimicked her daughter. She sat down at the foot of the couch, pulling Sara's socked feet onto her lap. "You look exhausted, sweetie."

Sara rubbed her eyes and pulled the pillow back over her face. "I didn't sleep much on the plane."

"Well, are you sure you want to go to Tegan's tonight? I already made up the bed in the guest room for you."

Tegan glanced at her sister, still hiding under the pillow, and guessed that she wanted Tegan to answer for her. "Um, yeah I think she'll just stay at my place for a few nights until she catches up on sleep."

Their mom raised her eyebrows. "What, on your couch?"

Tegan hesitated and looked at Sara as she spoke. "Uhm… yeah. I mean, it's a comfy couch…right, Sara?"

The pillow moved up and down with Sara's nod.

Tegan kept talking, feeling like she needed to fill Sara's void of communication, "Plus we have some stuff for work that we need to go over, and we're in the middle of collaborating on this one piece that isn't going so well, so it would just be easier…" Her voice trailed off when she felt her mom's stare intensify.

"Well, suit yourself. That bed will still be there if you change your mind, though, Sara. And I'm still expecting the both of you for lunch tomorrow. I promised Nanna you'd bring pictures from Scotland."

Tegan nodded. "We'll be here, pictures and all. Promise."

Sonia smiled, happy to see her girls again. There was something different in the air, but she couldn't put her finger on it quite yet. "K, well I'll be in the kitchen when you want to head home."

When their mom's footsteps faded down the hall, Sara turned to her side, facing Tegan.

"Thanks for that," Tegan said, sarcastically, trying not to be annoyed with her sister's sudden silence.

Sara smiled, eyes still closed, and puckered her lips.

Tegan grinned silently before diving in.


	7. Chapter 7: If You Can't Stand the Heat

**A/N: Okay, so I wrote this entire chapter one really slow night at work, on the office computer (eek!). I thought that I would need to edit it a lot but I actually really like it how it is, soooo here you go!**

**Also, I promise that the next chapter (Chapter 8) will fill in some of what I left out in between the last chapter (6) and this chapter (7), regarding their time spent together at Tegan's place, and in Vancouver in general. I plan to end the story on New Year's Eve, so there are only a few chapters left! :')  
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**CHAPTER SEVEN: If You Can't Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Kitchen**

Sara stared down into the big bowl of stew which she was mindlessly stirring. It was Christmas Eve and her mom had put her on kitchen duty while she ran next door to ask the neighbors for a last-minute ingredient she had forgotten to pick up from the store. Sara didn't mind, really; she enjoyed cooking. Plus, it was an excuse not to sit in an awkward circle with her aunts and cousins and pretend like she's totally normal and not falling in love with her twin sister. Sara squeezed her eyes shut at the thought, trying not to be embarrassed for herself, but obviously failing miserably.

She heard the back door to the patio swing open, a wave of laughter echoing through the house, then silence as the door clicked shut again. Light footsteps made their way across the dining room. Sara looked up as her sister entered the kitchen.

"Hey," Tegan smiled, "Nice apron." She leaned against the counter.

Sara turned around, wiping her hands on the purple floral print apron her mom had made her tie around her waist, not even embarrassed; Tegan had seen her in much worse. "How's it going out there?"

"Oh, alright, I guess. Aunt Lisa's jokes are starting to get inappropriate and Nanna keeps asking me why Jenn isn't here." Tegan sighed. "And it's getting kinda cold, but mum told me not to let anyone inside until the sun sets. She swears it's gunna be extra colorful just because it's Christmas Eve." Tegan rolled her eyes.

Sara laughed. "You'll have to let me know how that goes."

"You don't wanna come watch?" Tegan had been hoping Sara could break away from the kitchen for a few minutes. Lately she found herself unable to enjoy anything unless Sara was by her side—even something as simple and naturally beautiful as a Vancouver sunset.

"I can't, mum's running from door to door right now and somebody's gotta keep an eye on the kitchen." Sara sensed Tegan's disappointment, so she decided to take the leap. "You know what, though? I bet New Year's Eve sunset will be even more colorful."

"Too bad we won't be together for New Year's Eve." Tegan said, obviously annoyed.

Exactly the response Sara had wanted. "What if, um...." she hesitated. _This is it! _she told herself. _Now or never!_ "You should come with me. Home. To Montreal, I mean. And maybe stay for a week or two before we head to the states" Sara grinned, delighted with her plan. She had been waiting for the best moment to say it, crossing her fingers that Tegan would jump at the opportunity even though she already had plans with her friends in LA.

Tegan smiled back, appearing to be equally delighted. "Wait," she faltered. "For real?"

"For real!" Sara laughed. "I actually, um... I kinda... already bought you a ticket. The price was going up in a few hours, and... yeah. So I just bought it." Sara glanced up through her bangs, a little nervous, now. Tegan had been the one making all the big steps up until that point, so Sara wasn't sure how she was going to take it.

Tegan laughed. She eased herself off of the counter and walked toward the stove. "Wow, this is awesome, Sar!" She grabbed her sister into a warm, tight hug. "Thank you!" She pulled back and took Sara's face in her hands, forcing their eyes to meet. "Thank you."

Sara smiled and let the joy of the moment seep through her body as her sister kissed her on the lips. It had become a regular occurence, this kissing her sister, thing. It eased both of them in some way, but Sara sometimes wondered if, at times like these (family parties in their mum's home), it could possibly be doing more damage than good. Still, she couldn't help but melt at the taste of Tegan's lips in between her own.

The twins parted. "We'll discuss this more after dinner, 'kay?" Tegan reassured her sister.

Sara nodded.

"Mmk. Well, Nanna's probably waiting for that water bottle I promised her. Do you need any help setting the table or anything?" Tegan asked, sweetly.

"I think mum's gunna finish it up when she gets back. Thanks though, Tee."

"Oh, I wasn't gunna do it myself. I was gunna put Ryan's ass to work," Tegan joked.

Sara laughed, rolling her eyes. Once a sister, always a sister.

Tegan inched slightly to the side, reaching behind Sara and lifting the lid off the pot. She breathed in slowly, "Mmmm... smells delicious. I can taste it already."

Sara could feel the steam on her back, making her forehead glisten with sweat. Her hands rested lightly on Tegan's hips as Tegan put the lid back. The twins stood there for a moment, cheeks pressed together, Tegan's right thigh in between her sister's and Sara's in between Tegan's. Sara felt that all-too familiar pulse in her jeans as their bodies began to sweat in the heat of the kitchen. She was sure Tegan felt it too, which is why Tegan pulled away slowly. She kissed her sister again, adding a quick nibble on Sara's lower lip, before grabbing a water bottle and sauntering out of the kitchen.

Sara turned to the stove. She lifted the lid to stir the stew again and adjusted the nob that controlled the heat, then pushed her palms on the counter and closed her eyes. "Shit," she sighed, wishing the desire would ease away as easily as it had seeped its way in. Her sensations were overwhelmed.

"What's wrong?"

Sara jumped, hands flying off the counter. "Fuck, mum. I didn't hear you come in."

"Are you okay?" Sonia asked, watching her daughter. She set the plastic bag she was holding on the counter where Tegan had been, and checked the timer. She opened the oven and poked the ham with the thermometer.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Sara reached behind her to untie the apron. "I'm gunna go wash up, k? The stew only needs like two more minutes. I'll be back to help you serve." Sara rushed out of the kitchen, tossing the apron on the counter before her mom could say no.

She hurried down the hallway, almost in a skip, toward the bathroom. She locked the door behind her and rested her palms on the sink, looking anywhere but the mirror in front of her. Sara needed to escape. She didn't know how many more of these awkward encounters—these ups and downs—she could handle before she went mad. It was too much, this overwhelming excitement she and her sister had together, and then the almost immediate need to hide it seconds later. They had been doing alright this week in Vancouver, but the lies were beginning to weigh down Sara. She couldn't wait to escape with Tegan to Montreal, where there was no family, and they could hide out in her apartment all day if they wanted to. That was what they needed: some time alone, with no pressure from the people around them.

Sara finally allowed herself to look in the mirror. Dark bangs clung to her sweaty forehead and cheekbones, which had become more defined with her loss of a few pounds. She examined herself closely, and tried unsuccessfully not to think of her identical sister. She splashed her face with cold water, letting it dribble off the end of her nose as she stared down the drain of the sink. _What are you doing, Sara Quin? What. Are. You. Doing?_


	8. Chapter 8: Thanks for the Tea

It's been so long since I've posted, sooo... *Lost announcer voice* _Previously on Heavy at Midnight...._

**Chapter 1:**  
Location: On tour  
Plot: Tegan leaves bar early b/c sara is ignoring her. Sara finds Tegan in hotel room in bathrobe. Sara is angry and Tegan apologizes, then Sara tucks Tegan into bed and kisses her on the forehead goodnight.  
**Chapter 2**  
Location: Tour bus  
Plot: Twins are exhausted. They share Tegan's ipod. Sara fondles Tegan's foot. Bus accident.  
**Chapter 3**  
Location: Off road in foreign country  
Plot: Phone call with mum. Tegan gives Sara her jacket. Walk. Confession. Kiss.  
**Chapter 4**  
Location: On walk  
Plot: Vow of silence.  
**Chapter 5**  
Location: Backstage  
Plot: Hot make-out session.  
**Chapter 6**  
Location: Airport, plane, Vancouver  
Plot: End of tour. Flight home. Mum's house.  
**Chapter 7**  
Location: Mama Quin's kitchen, Christmas eve  
Plot: Sara cooking, Tegan flirting. Sara invites Tegan home to Montreal with her. Sara stresses about hiding their love.

(If it isn't obvious, the italicized part is a flashback/memory.)

**Chapter 8: Thanks for the Tea**

The twins had arrived in Montreal a few days prior and had put off buying groceries until now. They both loved to cook but usually dreaded the first trip to the store after being away for so long. When they were in Vancouver they either ate out, ordered take-out, or went to mom's for meals. They agreed on the flight over, though, that they were going to cook together this time around, despite the fact that they were bound to head to LA no more than a week later and would not get maximum use out of the groceries.

They stayed in until noon, huddled under the down comforter on Sara's queen-sized bed. Sara got up once to turn up the heater and grab the book she had been reading out loud to Tegan. Tegan got up once to pee. By one, they felt deprived enough of food that they decided to get their day rolling. It was the least cold part of the day and thus the opportune time to leave the apartment. Plus, Sara was beginning to feel antsy and if she didn't do something soon she thought she might go mad. They piled on the layers without showering and headed to the bus stop with the prospect of cooking a hot meal for each other and snuggling back up for a movie when they returned home.

.....

The grocery store was bustling with middle-aged French-speaking shoppers who looked just as anxious to get back to their warm homes as the twins were. Tegan was keeping watch over the cart while Sara ran back to the produce section for a couple more tomatoes. Tegan reached for the bag of short-bread cookies she had snuck into the cart and pulled it open to sample one and hopefully ease her poor stomach.

"Sara?" Tegan spun at the sound of her sister's name, fully prepared to explain that she was not Sara but was, in fact, her identical twin sister. Instead, the shortbread she was munching on stuck in her throat and she coughed at the sight of an almost too-familiar face mere feet away from her.

"Tegan?"

Tegan finally spat out, "Emy?"

"What are you---" They both broke off, realizing they were asking the same question, each as shocked to see the other. Emy laughed happily.

"Sara!" Tegan gladly interjected when she saw her sister at the opposite end of the aisle, sauntering toward them with a bright red tomato in each hand.

"Sara!" Emy repeated.

Sara's eyebrows furrowed for a second as she made out the person next to Tegan, but she recognized the voice and figure a lot quicker than she should have. "Emy?"

"Oh my god, you guys! Hi!" Emy bent to drop her grocery basket on the floor then held her arms out to Sara. Tegan chewed slowly and glared as her sister stood on her tip-toes and wrapped her arms around her ex-wife's neck. Sara raised her eyebrows at Tegan over Emy's shoulder apologetically. Then Emy turned and pulled Tegan into a tight hug. "What are you doing here? I thought you were going to LA?" Emy smiled at her friends, delighted yet confused.

Tegan shrugged, "Change of plans!"

Sara jumped in; it was obvious that Tegan was uncomfortable. They found out that Emy was in Montreal settling the business of her house selling. Sara tried to move the conversation forward but Tegan saw through her downcast eyes and knew in that moment that Sara was still not completely used to the idea of Emy moving on without her in her life--at least, her personal life.

Tegan tilted her head toward the cash register and hinted, "We better get going."

"Well, wait." Emy picked up her basket and walked in between the twins toward the lines of anxious-looking shoppers. "Will you be here for New Year's?"

Sara hesitated before saying, "Yeah, but..."

"Come to my party!"

Tegan groaned under her breath. She turned to face the cashier and rolled her eyes, leaving Sara to stutter and come up with an excuse for them to pass.

"Do you guys even have any plans?"

"Um... We were thinking of maybe going downtown..." She trailed off. Emy could always see through her, she didn't see the point in continuing.

"Oh, come on, Sara. You know that festival is not all it's hyped up to be. Come! Please! It'll be my last party in Montreal, and the guys will be there!" She pouted at Sara.

Sara glanced at Tegan, who widened her eyes and shook her head "no" before bending over to sign the receipt.

"Umm... How about we'll let you know?"

Emy sighed, "Alright. Well I have to go grab a few more things but it is so good to see you two! Call me if you're free before New Year's, okay? We'll get coffee." The comment was obviously directed to Sara.

Sara nodded and the two hugged again. Tegan lifted their bags, motioning for Sara to get the last one.

"Bye, Emy," she said, relieved to see her disappearing behind the magazine stand.

When the twins reached the bus stop, Tegan sighed, "I thought we came to Montreal to escape all the curious eyes and the lying and the sneaking around."

Sara slumped on the bench with her legs splayed out on the sidewalk in front of her. She rested her head on the back of the bench. "I know," she sighed. "I'm sorry, Tee."

"It's okay," Tegan replied, subconsciously mimicking her sister's position. "As long as we don't have to go to her fucking party with all of your friends." Tegan turned and saw her sister's lips moving, but she couldn't hear her response over the racket of the bus pulling up to the curb.

.....

Tegan was putting the last of the groceries away as the tea pot whistled. She poured the boiling water into two matching mugs their mom had given Sara a few Christmases ago. It was the Christmas that she had refused to come home because she had wanted to spend it in New York with Emy's family. That was the Christmas their relationship began to fall apart, and she thought that spending the holidays together would fix everything. The tea set had been jostled across the country and those two cups were the only two that had survived the trip without breaking.

Tegan held one mug in each hand and padded across the wood floor in her socks, toward Sara, who was lying on the couch holding a book over her head. Sara let her book fall on her chest as she watched her sister place the steaming cups on the coffee table before her. She smiled as Tegan then eased herself onto her, closing the distance between their bodies. Tegan moved the book onto the floor and kissed her sister hard. Sara felt their ribs push against each other's, every body part lining up perfectly. They hadn't kissed this passionately since Christmas evening in Vancouver....\

......

_Sara didn't think that seeing her sister without a shirt on would be any different than when they changed next to each other on the tour bus. But as Tegan raised her arms and Sara rolled her hands slowly up her sister's torso to pull the black tee over her head, she couldn't help but think that it could not be any _more _different, in this moment. And she could tell by the way her twins' eyes marveled down at her own pale body that it was different for Tegan, too._

_They spent most of that moment exploring. Sara's lips found their way across Tegan's collarbone, then down, between her breasts. Her hands traveled south and grabbed at the smooth skin on the small of her sister's back. Sara then eased her arched back onto the bedding and listened to her heart pound in her ears. Her eyes glued themselves to the shrinking gap between Tegan's stomach and her own...._

_"Stop, Tegan," Sara tensed her muscles and Tegan's hands paused on her sister's hips._

_She looked up. "What's wrong?"_

_"Nothing, I'm sorry..." Sara bit her lip and turned her head. "I don't know..."_

_Tegan rolled off of her sister and onto her back. Tegan's body warmth leaving her reminded her of her lack of clothing, and Sara pulled the covers up to her bra, suddenly self-conscious._

_"You just need to stop thinking about it, Sar." She turned on her side and propped her head on her hand. "It's just me."_

_"Exactly, Tee.... it's you...." Sara closed her eyes and turned into the crook of Tegan's arm. "...my sister."_

......

Sara broke away, trying to savor the memory and shake it from her mind at the same time. "So... I'm thinking maybe we should make an appearance at Emy's party."

Tegan moaned and let her face fall to the side of Sara's head. She breathed in the scent of her sister's shampoo and exhaled heat onto Sara's neck. "Why?" she mumbled against her sister's skin.

Sara trailed her fingers along the dips of her sister's back, where bare skin met jeans. "Because if we don't, she's gunna know something's up."

"So what? Something is up. I'm still pissed at her for fucking you up."

".....thanks."

Tegan lifted herself up again, "Not like that. Just, you know."

"Yeah... I know." Sara wheezed lightly and Tegan pushed herself off of her sister. She eased herself onto the floor, legs spread underneath the coffee table. Sara coughed and pushed herself into a sitting position.

Tegan reached for the tea and handed Sara's to her. "Do you need your puffer?"

Sara smiled, blowing across the surface before sipping from the cup. "Thanks for the tea." Sara watched from the couch as Tegan reached for her own cup and sipped, seemingly content. Sara wished she could thank her sister for everything else that she wanted to thank her for. But for now, she supposed that "thanks for the tea" would have to do.

.................

*Lost announcer voice* _Coming soon on Heavy at Midnight...._ The twins prepare for a special New Year's Eve out on the town! But will a call from mom and the watchful eyes of Sara's ex-lover stop them from experiencing the night of a lifetime? Stay tuned to find out!


	9. Chapter 9: Skin

**Next chapter is the last chapter of Heavy at Midnight! I'll be following up with a part 2 of this story at some point, but for now I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

**Chapter 9: Skin**

"Tegan! Are you almost ready?" Sara's voice bounced down the hallway and into the living room, where Tegan was perched on the edge of the rocking chair with Sara's favorite acoustic-electric on her lap. She was wrapped in nothing but a white towel, and had pulled the chair close enough to the coffee table so that she could rock herself by pushing off with her right foot, which was dangling from her crossed legs.

"Tegan?" Sara marched into the room, but slowed to a stop when she saw her sister. She watched from behind the couch until Tegan struck the last chord and looked up. "You need to start getting ready. And you're dripping on my guitar."

Tegan pulled her hair to one side and squeezed the moisture into the towel wrapped around her. Sara turned, satisfied, and disappeared down the hallway again. "Can you bring me the lotion?" Tegan yelled at her back.

When Sara reappeared a minute later with a comb and a bottle of her favorite lotion, Tegan was leaning back in the rocker, eyes closed, with her legs crossed at the ankle on the coffee table. "Don't get too comfortable," Sara said, as she eased herself onto the table. "We have a long night ahead of us."

Tegan peaked through squinted eyes as Sara unlocked Tegan's ankles and pulled her left foot to rest in her lap. The lotion squirted into Sara's hands. She rubbed her hands together before gently touching her sister's ankle. She ran her fingers slowly around Tegan's foot, placing a particular amount of energy around the ankle bone, where she knew Tegan was sensitive. Tegan let out a loose giggle when she felt Sara's fingers near her toes. Sara paused for dramatic effect and grinned as she watched her sister's face twist into a grimace. She inched her fingers forward...

"Sara!" Tegan pulled her leg up onto the rocker. Sara's eyes flitted to the shadows beneath the tent of terry cloth fabric, then quickly away. She laughed lightly and squeezed more lotion onto her hands. She motioned for her sister to let her leg down again, and Tegan eased it back into Sara's lap, not without a look of warning. Sara massaged her sister's calf before moving onto the next leg.

"Can't we just stay in and do this all night?" Tegan asked, head back and eyes closed once again.

"You don't want to go downtown?" Sara asked, knowing full well that that wasn't the part of the night that she was talking about.

Tegan sighed. "No, I guess I do. I'm not getting dressed up though."

Sara glanced down at her own nice top, trying not to feel self-conscious that she had wanted to look nice for tonight. "That's fine, Tegan, I don't care. It's gunna be freezing anyway." Sara finished Tegan's right leg and placed a kiss on her knee before lowering it. "Now go get ready."

Tegan hopped up. Sara stared hard as her sister swung down the hallway, bare feet clapping the hard wood floor, fingers trailing the wall. She watched her disappear around the corner, into Sara's room, and let out a deep breath.

A vibration sounded from the kitchen counter.

"Tegan, your phone!" No response. She walked to the counter, the phone read "Mom."

Sara answered, "Hey, mum."

"Hi Teg... Sara?"

"Ya, sorry, Tegan's getting dressed."

"It's okay. I just wanted to wish you two a happy new year because I'm heading in early tonight."

"But, mum..." Sara glanced at the clock. "It's only 6:00 there."

Tegan appeared at the end of the hallway in jeans, holding a button-up in front of her on a hanger, her hair still dripping wet. She gave Sara a questioning thumbs up sign.

Sara smiled and gave her a thumbs up back, then pulled on a strand of her own hair, motioning to Tegan. She mouthed, "You're gunna freeze" to Tegan.

The phone line went silent.

"Sorry, what did you say, mum?"

"Oh, nothing. Just rambling. Was that Tegan? Can I talk to her?"

"Yeah. Tegan," Sara called. The hair-drier roared on. "Hold on, mum." Sara left the phone on the counter and walked down the hallway. When she turned the corner into her room, she stopped in her tracks and leaned against the doorframe. Tegan was standing in front of the large mirror in a nude-colored bra and jeans, focusing all her energy on taming the baby curls behind her neck. She squeezed her eyes shut as her hair blew everywhere, flapping across her face. When she opened her eyes again, she caught Sara behind her, staring. She switched the hair-drier off and the room fell silent. The twins looked at each other in the mirror.

Sara looked away first. She still struggled with their similarity in features, and looking in the mirror only heightened her self-awareness. "Mum wants to talk to you. She's acting weird." Tegan reached to put the blow-drier on the bed they had been sharing so innocently each night. Sara watched the curve of Tegan's back and resisted the urge to run and tackle her, and then smother her with love on the mound of unkempt bedding. Instead she said, "I left your phone on the counter."

"'Kay." Tegan brushed slowly past Sara, stopped, and took a step back and inched in, so that the fronts of their shoulders were pressed together. Sara's left hand fell into Tegan's right hand. She trailed her knuckles slowly up Tegan's bare arm, then let them fall again. She slid around Tegan and stepped up, behind her, running the palms of her hands up and down Tegan's arms. They landed loosely in her sister's hands again. Sara leaned forward and pressed her lips against the smooth, bare shoulder blade in front of her. She breathed heavily across to the other shoulder blade, jutting perfectly from her sister's back. Tegan turned her head, smiling, and Sara stood on her tip-toes to whisper behind her sister's ear, "Mum's waiting." She placed a light pat on Tegan's jeans and sent her on her way.

....

Sara strolled into the kitchen holding her shoes and a pair of socks, folded neatly into each other. She pulled out a chair from the counter and listened to Tegan say into the phone, "Well you know what they say about traumatic events bonding people." Tegan rolled her eyes and Sara smiled. Tegan leaned forward, placing her elbows on the counter, listening. Sara fumbled with the strings of her shoes as her eyes saw the bare skin pressed against the granite and felt as though Tegan was pressing the skin of her stomach against her own.

"Mum, I have to go. We were supposed to leave like half an hour ago......... I love you too, Happy New Year's." Tegan looked to Sara. "She says she loves you too," she said into the phone. "Bye, mum." Tegan placed the phone on the counter and turned to Sara, who tried with all her might not to stare at the skin of her sister's ribs pushing beautifully against the granite. "Mum says we've been acting oddly attached to each other ever since the tour, and that we need to be safe tonight, and that if things get weird at Emy's, to take you home immediately."

"Mmmm..."

"Five minutes?"

Sara nodded and watched her sister rush down the hallway one more time, her skin dipping perfectly into her sides with each unintentional sway of the hip. She let her forehead fall to the counter-top a little harder than intended. "Fuck." She didn't think Tegan knew what she was doing to her, but she told herself that she would tell her tonight. _New Year's resolution: Tell Tegan how I truly feel,_ she thought to herself. _Tell her that I can't breathe when I look at her. Tell her that I can still feel the way the skin of her stomach pushed purposefully against my own. Tell her that she is inside of me, she is part of me. Tell her that I need her _deeper _inside of me. Not this mother-fucking evanescent ripple of connectedness. I need more. I need her. And I need to tell her.... tonight._


	10. Chapter 10: Happy New Year!

**Hi Everyone! It's finally summer and I finally had time to finish this story! Here's the final chapter of Heavy at Midnight. I hope you guys like it! A sequel will be coming soon!**

**Chapter Ten: Happy New Year!**

Tegan stood at the beginning of the walkway, rubbing her hands together while Sara passed folded dollars through the cab's passenger window. A rush of techno music suddenly filled the air, seeping through the opening front door. A girl folded in half onto the porch, a buff guy grabbing her waist from behind. He pushed the door back with his foot and it swung into place, clicking, taking the music with it. The twins stood back as the couple trudged past them on the walkway and turned down the street. Sara stared hard at their backs before joining Tegan in a saunter toward the front door of Emy's soon-to-be-sold house. They paused on the porch.

"You ready for this?" Tegan asked.

Sara was staring at the Welcome Home mat beneath their feet. She had hated it but Emy had bought it anyway because it was on sale for a dollar. Sara took a deep breath and looked up at Tegan, who raised her eyebrows.

"Ready?" she asked again.

Sara nodded and exhaled slowly as Tegan reached for the doorknob and they stepped into the house.

Tegan entered first. Sara followed timidly and closed the door behind her, idling in the entryway.

"Sara, come on. These are _your _friends."

"I don't know any of these people!" Sara said, peering hesitantly over her sister's shoulder. The music was so loud she could hardly make out the shapes of people beyond the noise in her head.

Emy emerged from the smoky crowd. "Tegan! Sara!"

Tegan threw a look to her sister before turning back to let Emy wrap her arms around her small frame. She responded with a forced, friendly-sounding, "Hey!" and nothing more. Sara did the same.

The three of them stood in the entryway. Emy bounced from left foot to right, and back again, taking a swig from the beer bottle in her hand, waiting for the twins to say something. They all instead just pretended to survey the scene. A thin guy in a long-sleeve shirt brushed by, and Emy caught his arm. "Brian, Tegan, and Sara. This is Brian."

"Hi, nice to meet you," Tegan said for both of them. Sara eyed him, he looked familiar.

"You ladies want a drink?"

"Yes, thank you." Sara finally spoke at the mention of alcohol.

Brian shoved his thumb over his shoulder and said, "Kitchen's this way, follow me." Emy watched the twins shuffle past her and continued her rounds toward the living room. Sara followed the guy, even though she could find the kitchen just as easily blindfolded and with both arms behind her back. She knew this house better than her own.

The twins began with a beer each. An hour after they had arrived, Sara was on her third, leaning against the wall, staring mindlessly at the flashing colors on the muted television. She was good at looking disengaged.

Half an hour until midnight. She pushed herself off from the wall and made her way toward the back door. An old college friend of Emy's stumbled out of the bathroom, the stench of weed hitting Sara's nostrils like a brick in the face.

"Saraaa! My name twinsieeeee!" the girl yelled.

"Hey, Sarah," Sara said, politely, trying to manouver her way past her in the stuffy hallway.

Sarah threw her arms around Sara and opened the bathroom door again. "You guys! It's Saraa! My name twinsieee! Oh my god, Sara, you're so fucking hot! Come here!" She began to pull Sara into the bathroom.

"Okay, thanks, but I'm headed out back." Sara struggled in the door frame.

"Oh, come on, just do one hit with us, I swear it'll feel good!" She pushed herself into Sara, sandwiching her in between the door frame and her bony, cross-faded body. "Besides, she whispered against her face, "I haven't seen you in forever, it's about time we caught up..." she breathed heavily against Sara's ear. Sara turned her face away from the girl, toward the bathroom. Her throat burned; she felt faint.

"Hey! Get the fuck off of her!" Tegan shoved Sarah into the bathroom. "What the fuck do you think you're doing, bitch?" Sarah stumbled backward and tripped on another guy's leg. The thump of her fall on the hard tile was lost in the sound waves of electronic beats from the speakers in the living room. Sara stood still in the doorframe and stared at the girl sprawled on the ground.

"I... oh my god, you guys! It's Tegan and Sara!"

"Come on, Sara," Tegan said. Sara didn't move. "Sara, come _on_." Tegan grabbed her sister's hand and pulled her down the hallway, towards the back door.

The porch was filled with more girls in outfits unfit for the extremely cold weather. Tegan hesitated behind the screen door at the smell of smoke. Ever since the thing with Sara had begun, she had found herself constantly tempted to give in to her old smoking addiction. Sara must have sensed as much.

"I know where we can go." She tugged gently on her sister's hand as they made their way back down the hallway. Sara turned into a bedroom around the corner: the "master suite." It wasn't much of a suite, but it was smoke-free and sealed out a lot of the noise, muffling the drunken yells and fat-boy sounding chants. Plus, it had its own bathroom.

Sara closed the door behind them. This party reminded her so much of high school that she was surprised nobody was having sex in the bedrooms yet. She looked at the bed as though it was an enemy tempting her before deciding against it and walking toward the bathroom.

"Is this Emy's room?" Tegan asked. The walls and surfaces were all barren, cardboard boxes lining the perimeter, filled with linens and silverware and framed pictures. The ones furthest from the door held Emy's art materials. Next to that one, more valuables. "So she's realling moving, huh?" Tegan wondered out loud, more to herself than to Sara. Emy had emailed when they were on tour to tell them she had found a place in New York, but Tegan hadn't believed it until now. She had thought it was a trick to get Sara back, or something.

Cold, running water surged its way through the faucet as Sara bent to splash her face in the sink. Tegan appeared next to her with a hand towel from one of the boxes. "Thanks," Sara said. Tegan's always one step ahead of her. She pushed the cloth against her face and breathed out slowly, trying to calm herself.

"What's wrong?" Tegan finally asked.

Sara folded the towel meticulously and draped it over the rack above the toilet. Avoiding both Tegan and the mirror was proving to be rather difficult.

"I mean... you could've taken that bitch, easily. I know you're tiny but you didn't even try. You just stood there... like you had given up or something. I got her off of you and I have some tequila in me." Tegan patted her stomach with a grin on her face.

Sara raised her eyebrows at her sister.

"I know, I know, I had said no hard alcohol tonight, but Brian's friends are really fucking persuasive when they're doing shots and they're all up in my face and stuff." Tegan waited for her sister to smile. When it didn't come, she began to worry.

"Are you drunk?" Sara asked, in all seriousness.

"Sar, it doesn't matter, come here." Tegan patted the comforter next to her.

"It does matter! And I am not sitting on that fucking bed with you." She walked past Tegan on the bed to the window on the other side of the room, facing the back yard. She pushed open a gap in the blinds and peered through the crack into the darkness, pretending that she could see more than the glow from the porch light. Anything to postpone this moment.

"Sara, what the fuck is wrong? I'm not drunk." Tegan stood up and watched her sister, an island of weighty memories between them. "Look, I can walk straight."

Sara didn't turn around.

"Okay, okay, I'm buzzed, Sara, okay? Are you happy?" Tegan spoke in an irritated voice, childishly mocking drunks, rolling her head loosely and lifting her arms like she was flying, "My brain is a little cloudy and my arms feel like feathers but I know that it doesn't matter because when I saw that stupid fucking girl in your space like that all I fucking wanted to do was punch the shit out of her and whisk you away to some fucking tropical island and take you as my own and why the fuck won't you _look at me_!" Tegan gasped for air at the end of her rant, eyes boring into Sara's back.

There was a long silence before Sara whispered a shaky "Okay" to the blinds.

"What." Tegan said, not wanting to ask a question in her anger, but genuinely curious.

Sara took a deep breath. "I said okay." She turned slowly, "Take me as your own."

"Now?"

Sara nodded, "Mhmmm."

"Here?"

"Yes."

Tegan hesitated. "A-are you sure?"

"Goddamnit, Tegan," Sara breathed out an exhausted, frustrated breath, ready to give up, but willing to give it one last shot. "Are you even listening to me? You can't walk around all day saying you want me and then when I ask for it, act like I'm crazy. Just like you can't fucking walk around my apartment all day in your underwear and pretend you don't know what it does to me! Why don't you grow a pair and just fucking take me!" An unexpected sob bubbled in Sara's throat as she took a step to the side and crumbled against the wall, her face in her hands.

Tegan wanted to feel anger. She really did. She wanted to play the big sister card and yell in Sara's face for daring to talk to her like that. It would be so much easier-for both of them. But the second she was within an arm's length of Sara, every bad emotion Tegan had ever felt toward her sister seemed to melt away into the air, seeping between the blinds and dancing across the back yard into the sky of the dying year. She peeled her sister's hands off her face and pulled Sara into her arms, rocking gently. "Sar, it's okay... shhh..."

Sara sobbed for a few minutes before taking a deep breath and calming herself to sniffles. She leaned back, looked straight into Tegan's eyes, and kissed her as though with a long, southern drawl in her mouth. Tegan pulled away, wiping the tears from her sister's cheeks with her thumbs, questioning Sara's red, helpless eyes.

"Please, Tee?" Sara whimpered into her sister's lips. They kissed again. "Please... I... I love you..."

Tegan pushed her sister hard against the wall, pinning her hips into place. The kisses were wet, but not sloppy. They were full and heavy and if Sara didn't have Tegan to lean on, she surely would have collapsed to the ground by this point.

Sara unclipped her belt as Tegan untucked her sister's top from beneath her pants. She rolled her hands around Sara's waist, up her back, scratching down again to the top of her butt. She finally secured her left hand on Sara's back before inching her fingers underneath the elastic of her sister's underwear. _Thank god Sara's taken to wearing looser pants lately, otherwise this most definitely would not have worked_, Tegan thought to herself.

Her fingers paused when they reached soft curls not unlike her own. Her fingers skimmed the area. Someone's feet pounded down the hallway, accompanying a drunken slur, "the ball's about to drop!"

"Tegan, please..." Sara begged, as though one last, guilty plea from a criminal on death row. Tegan nudged her sister's face in front of hers and planted a gentle kiss on her lips. She watched her sister's eyes close as Tegan took the plunge into her.

_Ten, nine, eight..._

It took but a second for the twins to fall into sync. Tegan knew exactly what Sara wanted and exactly how she wanted it. And Sara knew that Tegan knew. And that, in Sara's mind, made everything perfect, no matter how fucked up it was.

_Seven, six, five..._

"Deeper," Sara asked, wishing she could dig her nails into her sister's skin, instead probably stretching the hell out of Tegan's favorite button-up.

_four, three..._

Tegan slipped her ring finger alongside the other two. Sara gasped. She clenched and pulled and Tegan gave and pushed and they breathed and pounded together into the hollow-sounding wall.

_two..._

Sara wished she had taken her shoes off. Her toes tingled and strained against the confines of the soles of her shoes. The cool sweat from their foreheads mingled.

_one..._

Tegan bit her sister's neck, tasting salt on skin, then let her lips fall limp as she concentrated hard on the rythm of her fingers with her thumb and the light-no light-light-no light-light-no light on the wall behind Sara's neck.

_Happy New Year!_

Sara squeezed her eyes shut as her body convulsed against Tegan's. Her head banged the wall as her thighs threatened to squeeze shut, rythmic bursts of pleasure pulsing from every pore on her body.

Fireworks sounded, coloring the room with splashes of blue and yellow, and purple, and then red. Drunken 20-somethings blew on air-horns and lit fire-crackers and planted wet kisses on the lips of the people next to them.

Tegan massaged her sister gently, calming the both of them. She sighed, "I love you, too, Sar..."

Sara rested her forehead on Tegan's shoulder, one last salty drop rolling from her cheek to soak the fabric of her sister's shirt.

A fist pounded on a wall a few feet down the hallway, and then the door burst open. Cheers echoed through the air: yelps and high-fives and glasses clinking in celebration of the chance to start a new year with a fresh start.

Tegan's body spun, simultaneously ripping her hand from her sister's pants, the elastic of Sara's underwear snapping the pain in the air against her skin. Sara's eyed widened behind her sister's shoulder, and then glanced down at her unbuttoned pants. "Oh, my god," Sara gasped, terrified.

"Sara?"

"Emy, oh my god, shut the door!" Tegan rushed across the room, but by the time she had crossed the floor, Emy had slammed the smoke of the new year in Tegan's face, leaving Sara stripped against the bare wall, feeling like the contents of the boxes along the perimeter of what used to be her favorite bedroom.

The twins stood unmoving, in disbelief: heavy, at midnight.


End file.
